If it’s past midnight and your hands have frozen to the keyboard because you were too busy nerfing to turn on the heating then, please, read on and save yourself! Here are Dealspwn's top ten signs that you've spent too much time gaming!
1. You’re fat
Yes, you’re no longer the size 10 that sidled onto the sofa when first discovering the magic of gaming.
You are now a fat, lazy bastard who’s incapable of climbing the stairs without the assistance of the banister. Sure, in the game you’re a death defying ninja with l33t skill0rz but sadly, in real life, you need to go for a run.
2. You’re malnourished
Fat, but malnourished. You see unlike in the game, food doesn’t heal you, make you stronger and instantly wake you up.
Sorry, but those three pizza slices, two chocolates and a bun that you just stuffed into your gob are all oozing with crap and have maybe 1/17th of your five a day. So in real life you probably barely have enough strength to lift your mouse, much less an epix sword.
3. Your local shop has banned you
This is because every time you’ve gone to buy household essentials such as milk, sugar, coffee and eggs you’ve stood on them and spent a good few minutes wondering why they haven’t entered your inventory.
Sure, other gamers hanging about your local Tesco are probably nodding sagely at your behaviour and giving you points for hardcore brilliance but the shop manager didn’t look kindly on crushed eggs and cornflakes all over his floor.
4. You’re devoutly religious
In any conversation about religious beliefs it is a guarantee that you’ll manage to stop everyone in their tracks with your convincing response of “I’m a gamer.”
You honestly can’t understand what else there is on earth that could possibly demand as much faith, belief and passion.
5. You can’t fight
Although nerds and geeks aren’t beaten up with the same levels of frequency as they were back in the 80s (Revenge of the Nerds anyone?) it’s still very sad when you ask the nice man approaching you while cracking his knuckles to, “Hang on a minute, just need to go and get my controller.”
6. You’ve got an ASBO
No, not because you’ve randomly attacked innocent people because you believe that they are merely pawns in a game of GTA. It’s because you have the urge to shoot out every security camera you see just in case the evil mastermind spots you entering his domain.
7. Your neighbour has issued a restraining order
If you’re going to constantly climb on ledges and edge around corners while holding a plastic gun to your chest and chanting, “hut hut hut” under your breath then you’ve got to understand when your neighbours get a little freaked out.
It’s not pretty seeing some fat bastard with his ass hanging out sitting on your window ledge when you’re trying to eat your dinner.
8. Muggers love you
Playing Zelda has left you with the desperate need to hold anything new you’ve bought over your head in a wild gesture of victory. You stand there with your arms aloft, grinning like a maniac with the sounds of success echoing in your mind, in surround sound.
You do this when you go shopping (another reason they banned you), buy a magazine or collect a parcel from the post office. Now every criminal within a 10 mile radius knows exactly when to tackle you and take you down.
9. Your idea of music has changed
Instead of being down with the latest tunes on the radio, iTunes or Spotify you’re too busy downloading the MP4 from the soundtrack to the movie of the game that was crap.
Super Mario Brothers wakes you up in the mornings and the soothing sounds of the WoW background music lulls to you sleep at night. You even know the words and get a brief moment of exercise dancing to the opening of CoD4.
10. You don’t sleep
Unfortunately, the lack of a Save button in real life has left you with something of a dilemma. How can you possible go to sleep without being sure that you’ve saved your progress?
Fortunately, with the judicious use of a video camera, a controller and some tape you think that tonight you may actually get some sleep.