Britain is hurtling towards a general election- but many of us gamers are finding it difficult to choose between the three major candidates. All of our prospective Prime Ministers are bland NPCs who spout the same stock phrases every time they're interacted with.
Listen up, comrades. Britain deserves a leader with charisma. A leader with vision. A leader who's unafraid to take action. Quite simply, Britain deserves a videogame character for Prime Minister.
Here's our shortlist for the Top 10 ministerial candidates!
10: Princess Peach [Mario Series]
A useless blueblooded fop, Princess Peach makes the list thanks to the fanatical devotion she instils in her subjects. We attempted to approach her for comment... but after braving the lava pits, collapsing platforms and koopas that guarded her campaign headquarters we learned that she was in another castle. At least our nation's plumbing and sewage systems will be in good hands.
Affiliation: Mushroom Kingdom Royalty
Main Policies: We don't know. She's always in another castle!
9: Dr. Breen [Half Life 2]
Doctor Breen is the brutal puppet of dictator of City 17 who advocates sterilising the populace and crushing them under a horrifying totalitarian regime. He's an evil schemer with dastardly alien backers that are out to subjugate all mankind. But crime is at an all-time low (apart from a spot of armed insurgency)... and we know that he makes the trains run on time!
Affiliation: Combine Party
Main policies: Free sterilisation field for all citizens. Cuts down on child benefits!
8: Maxwell [Scribblenauts]
Little Maxwell isn't exactly charismatic (being as he can't speak)- but he's arguably the man for the job. Being able to scribble “national debt” or “all that gold we traded for useless yen” into his magical notepad would solve most of our problems for the price of a 2B pencil.
Affiliation: Pencil Pusher
Main Policies: Randomly making “Cthulhu” fight “God” for public entertainment.
7: Lord Hood [Halo 2]
Cometh the Hour, cometh the Man. When Earth was threatened by an implacable alien menace, Lord Terrence Hood stood up to take control of humanity's last remnants of government. Like Churchill, he was a strong wartime leader... but his peacetime policies might be a little suspect since they revolve around alien genocide.
Affiliation: UNSC Command
Main Policies: Finish the Fight!
6: Solidus Snake [MGS2]
Experience is important for a Prime Minister- and Solidus Snake was the US President for many years. He may not be able to play the sax or store cigars in his secretary (oh, Clinton...) but he's a serious exponent of homeland security and information control. And did we mention that he's a genetically-engineered supersoldier with dual katanas and powerful body armour?
Affiliation: God knows, I lost track about halfway through MGS2. United States?
Main Policies: Centralisation of information aboard massive bitchin' nuclear submarines.
5: Phoenix Wright [duh]
Many successful politicians have a legal background, and Phoenix Wright has everything we could want in a future leader. He's charismatic, forthright and could argue his way out of the Iraq War and expenses scandal in seconds. There's no objection from us.
Affiliation: Defense councillor
Main Policies: Defending corrupt criminals for personal gain OBJECTION!!!
4: You and Will Wright [Sims, Sim City, Spore]
When it comes right down to it, there's no better city and housing planner than you yourself. Will Wright has given you hands-on experience at managing day to day life, building conurbations and even crafting entire civilisations out of primordial ooze. Will you be a benevolent ruler or a fickle Trickster God? Only time will tell. Oh, and watch out for Godzilla...
Affiliation: Virtual Voyeur/ Trickster God
Main Policies: Removal of bathrooms from random homes for the sheer hell of it.
3: Andrew Ryan [Bioshock]
Rapture was a great idea that went a teensy bit wrong, but you can blame Fontaine for that. Andrew Ryan was a dapper gent with a vision and the willpower to see it through. He should probably cut down on the golf a little, though. Would you kindly consider voting him into public office?
Affiliation: Corrupted Randite
Main Policies: Every man is entitled to the sweat of his brow. And free golf lessons.
2: Kane [Command and Conquer]
Charisma is everything in politics, and Kane has it in abundance. In fact, he's revered as a living God and entrusted with the future evolution of all mankind. He's one of the most respected leaders in videogame history, and certainly one of the baldest. A vote for Kain is a vote for peace, power and wicked cyborg armies.
Main Policies: Peace through Power!
1: Mayor Haggar [Final Fight]
Want a politician who's unafraid to take a stand against crime and injustice? Look no further than Final Fight's Mayor Haggar. A hardworking public servant who doesn't compromise on the important issues, Haggar frequently takes to the street to confront criminals and pulverise them into a bloody mess. He's incorruptible, unstoppable and beloved by his people.
These are troubled times, my friends... and Britain needs a Prime Minister who has the courage to get sh*t done. Vote Haggar!
Affiliation: City Council
Main Policies: Random food to be put inside all bins, boxes and oil cans. Oh, and all illegally parked cars get personally smashed up.
Remember that we live in a democracy. Think we've overlooked a Prime candidate for Prime Minister? Have your say in the comments!