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The Games We've All Been Waiting For. Maybe.

Neil Davey
Burnout, Call Of Duty, DS, Guitar Hero

The Games We've All Been Waiting For. Maybe.

According to The Guardian, there WILL be a new Call of Duty in 2010. Head of Activision Mike Griffiths has recently confirmed that yes, we can expect another brilliantly realised, first person military mission.

But which military mission? A return to WWII? Vietnam? The Guardian speculates that both have been done to death, and wonders if the rumours of a Cold War shoot-em-up might be true.

Sorry, a Cold War shoot-em-up? Eight hours of gameplay staring at documents, pushing pens and negotiating political face-offs – and then one brief moment of killing someone with a poisoned umbrella? That sounds like The Onion’s brilliant Modern Warfare 3 parody although it could also explain why Mike isn’t expecting MW2-type sales from this year’s chapter.

Still it did get us thinking - it happens on occasion, even if our brain cells are dying in alleged console-related tragedies – about other highly unlikely game releases...

Call of Duty: Cod Warfare

CoD goes literal in the game we’ve all been waiting for. It’s 1975 and the UK and Iceland are battling over North Atlantic fishing rights. Gasp as the full story of international fishing zones is thrillingly recreated in state-of-the-art, slightly grey graphics. In true CoD fashion, the action moves between several characters. As trawlerman Eric Nettles – Nets to his friends and colleagues – you must negotiate choppy waters and land enough fish to pay your mortgage.

The Games We've All Been Waiting For. Maybe.

Challenges as Nets include evading slightly angry Icelandic tug captains and opening flasks of tea with cold hands. Then, as the Royal Navy’s Bill “Captain” Haddock you must defend British trawlers from the onslaught of three Icelandic Coast Guard patrols with blank ammunition. Perhaps most thrillingly, you’ll also play Graham “Penpusher” Gray, a clerk in the Department of Fisheries who, armed with just a temperamental Bic, an alarmingly wide tie and an out-of-date English / Icelandic dictionary, must negotiate the reduction of the declared Icelandic fishing zone while flirting mildly with Margaret from accounts. And when you finish all of that, you’ll unlock the bonus game: Nazi Zombie Cod.

Burnout: Council Estate

Slightly disappointing title that involves setting light to cars. On a council estate.

Little Little Planet

Migraine inducing, microscopic, cutesy platformer. Comes with paracetemol and binoculars.

Daily Express Editor

The popular series of career-based DS games gets a right wing tabloid makeover. Can you blame illegal immigrants for every problem in the modern world? Can you also write blimp-themed captions for shots featuring bikini-clad celebrities with millimetres of cellulite while simultaneously writing a column despairing about how the media gives modern teenagers body image issues? Congratulations, you can be a tabloid editor! And if you can feature Princess Diana on the cover every day for a week, you’ll unlock the brilliant racing game Hell In A Hand Cart.

The Games We've All Been Waiting For. Maybe.

Capitalism: A Love Story – The Game

Somewhat unexpected movie tie-in based on the Michael Moore anti-banking documentary of the same name. The mission? Tell millions of smug liberals about why banks and George Bush are evil. The objective? Make them even smugger. The reward? More junk food for your chubby filmmaker

Pro-Evolution Shagging

Endorsed by a surprising number of Premiership players, the Pro-Evo licence gets raunchy. Train with your team mates, work on the set pieces, play golf – and then go out on the pull in stunningly realised, slightly grimy West End nightclubs. Or wait for your team mates to go out and then pop round to their places to get intimate with their wives or girlfriends. And, in many cases, both.

Multiple game modes will keep the experience fresh and exciting. In Master League, attempt to take your team from the doldrums of the lower leagues where they’re surrounded by willing hairdressers and shop assistants to the glory of the Premiership and Page 3 Girls and “singers” with girl bands.

The Games We've All Been Waiting For. Maybe.

In Career mode, graduate from your old school sweetheart to a silicone-enhanced glamour model in the quickest possible time, while also getting your leg over with your star striker’s missus. Careful you don’t get caught though, or you’ll be transfer listed. In Challenge mode, beat the computer in a series of missions that will test your ability. These include securing the best possible magazine deal for your sham of a wedding, hiding your bank statement so that your wife can’t trace the payments for the flat where your mistress lives, bribing tabloid journalists and sending photos of your bits to that secretary from Basildon while your wife’s asleep.

Guitar Hero: Acoustic Folk

Rather more gentle version of the popular franchise, bringing the songs of The Spinners and Steeleye Span to a new generation. Can you play all the necessary chords while sticking your finger in your ear? (Comes with ocarina controller and cable knit jumper.)

Any we've missed chaps?

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