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Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

Carl Phillips
Bearded Justice, Beards, Grand Theft Auto V, Grand Theft Dealspwn, Morals

Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

After yesterday’s thrilling account of the first steps into freedom, we’re back with another anecdote from the Dealspwn team as they continue their adventures in Grand Theft Auto V. In today’s entry, Carl discusses something he didn’t think he’d have to deal with in Rockstar’s latest game – morals.

When it comes to my avatars, I like beards. Huge ridiculous beards that take over the face. You only have to look at the various incarnations of my virtual alter ego McGarnagle (here and here) to see what I’m talking about. So, one of the first things I wanted to do was to see just what sort of options were available in the facial hair department for the three main characters.

As we saw yesterday, I valiantly fought to get Franklin to the barbers, and while I’m sure we can all agree he looks much better now, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed by the lack of options for him. I guess it’s hard maintaining a majestic beard like that in the hood (I wouldn’t know – I’ve not tried.) This meant that my hopes of a follically-gifted criminal were passed onto Michael, and so after completing a few missions with the veteran thief I knew exactly what I had to do. Thankfully my journey to the barbers was nowhere near as eventful as the first attempt, and so I sat Michael down for a virtual makeover. Some might say there aren’t enough options to choose from, but I would argue there’s only one choice.

And it’s this one.

Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

With Grand Theft Auto Online still over a week away, this was the closest to a McGarnagle-esque appearance that I was going to get, and so I took Michael out onto the streets of Los Santos, proudly donning the beard of brilliance. I was walking up to passers-by to show off my new facial hair, but reaction was either apathetic or strangely aggressive. Some might say it’s a lesson for real life as well as the virtual one – some people might not like you putting your beard directly in their face.

After deeming these people incredibly rude, I went about on my business by jumping in my car and driving off. A few minutes later the GPS picked up a flashing dot – one of the many random events that can materialise whilst playing Grand Theft Auto. In this case, it was a mugging where a man had taken the purse of a woman using an ATM, cheesing it down the street with his newly acquired wealth. I decided, because I wasn’t doing the mugging, the only course of action was the chase him down, so I drove my car at him at full speed. The issue here was that he was running for a building that had scaffold around it, but I had faith I could mow him down before he got there.

But he got there in time, causing me to hopelessly crash the car and bust the front wheels, whilst the mugger jogged away in a smug manner. Meh.

Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

Getting out, I began chasing the smug man down the street, mashing away at the sprint key as fast as I could to catch up. With Michael not exactly being a spritely young fellow, this proved more of a challenge than it would have with Franklin, and so after a minute of unsuccessful chasing, I “borrowed” a nearby car from a very helpful young lady. It wasn’t long after this acquisition that I was back on the tail of the smug bastard, and not long after that he was under the wheel of my chariot of Bearded Justice.

Taking back the stolen purse, I left the borrowed vehicle beside the no-longer-smug mugger so that the kind lady may retrieve it (these things all have GPS trackers in them these days, and it’s not like anyone else is going to steal it… right?) and began my trek back to the poor woman who had patiently waited by the ATM. During my return trip a tooltip appeared on the screen informing me I *could* give the money back, or I could run the hills with the $500 and live a life of luxury. I decided that, seeing as the woman had been stood there all this time, she quite clearly needed the money, so I gave it back, rewarded with $50 for my troubles. I didn’t need the cash – Bearded Justice is its own reward – but what the hell, I’ll take what I’m given.

However, the second random event mugging didn’t end the same way.

Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

It all began the same – mugging of a woman who was using an ATM, except this time my car was already lined up with the mugger. POW, the car went straight into him, proving Bearded Justice had become rather effective at this point, but the total cash retrieved this time was a much larger $2,000. With it being so early in the game, I had yet to make my fortune with any of the characters, so this was quite the windfall. Jumping back in the car, the tooltip once again displayed on the screen, and as I drove back to the mugged woman, the inner swine in me got greedy. That’s right, Bearded Bastardry had won out, and as such I didn’t think to break as I approached the woman. All I heard was “Oh, thank you so m-” from her before the car ended that chapter.

I’d made a huge mistake.

Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

There lay an innocent woman, someone who was thanking me and my wonderful beard, and I choose the money by ending her virtual life with a high speed impact. Sure, Michael can now buy the finest of grooming supplies, and yes, Michael is meant to have done much, much worse over the course of his life, but with great beard comes great responsibility, something I had turned my back on by rearranging that poor woman’s organs with the bumper of my car. I’d become everything I hate. I’d become something I despise, I ha-

And then I thought "Nuts to this. I’m off to play some tennis."

Grand Theft Dealspwn | Day 2 – Beards, & Other Moral Dilemmas

Nice backhand there, Michael!

Stay tuned for more adventures from Los Santos tomorrow.

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