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From Multiplatform Mario to Milo's Pain - News Roundup April 1st 2010

Author:
Jonathan Lester
Category:
News

Ninty Core Titles go Multiplatform

From Multiplatform Mario to Milo's Pain - News Roundup April 1st 2010

Breaking News: Nintendo has announced that Zelda, Metroid and an unspecified Mario title will be outsourced to Western developers in an attempt to break into PS3 and Xbox 360 markets. It's as yet unclear who the chosen developers will be- but Team Ninja are currently working on Metroid Other M, and EA Bioware has expressed "significant interest" in the Zelda franchise.

NoA Boss Reggie "April" Fools-Aime backed the move, explaining that it would allow the Wii to concentrate on its core target audience.

"This is a great idea. Our core titles will be able to benefit from HD graphics, while we're free to pursue our target audience: the elderly and children under 4."

SEGA Playboy 360 Coming In 2012

From Multiplatform Mario to Milo's Pain - News Roundup April 1st 2010

A prize splinter from the rumour mill fell through our letterbox this morning suggesting that the console war might in fact be over in the next two years. According to our sources, none of whom we're able to name or identify, it would appear that not only are Nintendo, Sony and Microsoft all planning to join forces for a one-off hardware release slated for 2012, but that said hardware will be an update of the Virtual Boy from 1995, combining the cream of the gaming crop with the very best 3D cinematic experience.

On top of that, it has been revealed that the project is in fact being overseen by SEGA who have bankrolled the entire thing thanks to sky-rocketing sales of the Wii's Violence Pack after several government run health organisations began using games like MadWorld to combat violent behaviour.

The console's working title is the SEGA Playboy 360, although it's currently under fire from a certain Mr. Hefner over copyright infringement. Watch this space. [Thanks to Matt G for the tip!]

Milo "Able to Feel Pain" says Molyneux

From Multiplatform Mario to Milo's Pain - News Roundup April 1st 2010

In a recent Q&A session with Natal Developers, Molyneux has revealed that Milo is more than just an emotionless tamigotchi. Specifically, it will be able to "feel" pain as well as simulated happiness and concern.

"Listen. It's impossible to learn without being able to feel pain. There's no discipline, no need to remember important things. Pain is an important part of the learning process, man."

Molyneux went on to explain how this mechanic would work with Natal's 'touch' mechanic.

"It's not as if we want you to hurt Milo. He's special, just a kid, man. But you can teach him to avoid fires by moving one close to him, or prick him with a thorn to teach him to stay away from the rose bushes in the garden. Squeezing his wrist tightly or slapping him gently will help teach him manners."

At this stage, it's unclear whether the NSPCC will need to be informed, since Milo hasn't yet been classified as a life form.

Kotick aims for "World Domination"

From Multiplatform Mario to Milo's Pain - News Roundup April 1st 2010

Activision's recent reshuffle and firing of "insubordinate" employees West and Zampella was apparently the first salvo of a cost-cutting master plan. In a recent interview, controversial CEO Bobby Kotick stated that Activision plans for "world domination."

"West and Zampella were only the beginning. I will crush any and all radical elements that oppose my grand works. After conquering this world, I will lead my my legions into the bowels of hell, where my all-powerful chaos engine will crack reality, powered by the payslips of a thousand layoffs ..."

Wait, what was that? No, they've found me! NooOooOoooo....

Stay Tuned for Activisionspwn.com, coming soon!

UPDATE: Oh, and April Fool. Time to call shenanigans...

Add a comment3 comments
Brendan Griffiths  Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:59

Love it

ODB  Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:40

ignore the date, this is all true


FACT!














{DISCLAIMER: This may not be actual fact}

Matt Gardner  Apr. 1, 2010 at 12:07

'Reggie Fools-Aime'

Hehehehehehehe.

Also damn straight, an HD Zelda would be AMAZING!

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