Neil wrote a little piece on the curse of the movie tie-in back in February, examining how such games tended to be pretty rubbish. But we figured that it worked both ways too and so, with Prince of Persia growing ever closer, we tasked Brendan with drumming up a list of five of the very worst video game inspired movies, sending him off into a dark room with a television, a gruel tap and the entirety of Uwe Boll's back catalogue for company. After spending several days wading through this cinematic crapfest, Brendan finally emerged with the list below muttering that if he didn't watch something glorious by Pixar right away his brains would start oozing out of his tear ducts. -Matt
As a warning, none of these films fall into the category of ‘so bad it’s pretty good.’ No these little horrors have a shit-core of bitterness and misery, displaying a point blank refusal to make sense or attempt a vague relevance to their games. If you watch these films I hope they make you as miserable as they did me. Don’t watch them all in one week though.
You know you’re in trouble when the lead of your film is Holly Valance. The acting and fighting from the actresses failed the fill the boots or even the bra sizes of the game’s characters. There was some story about androids and somebody had roller-skates. I’m not sure, my brain started to ooze out of my ears around the 45 minute mark. Overall the whole thing was so bad, it made Mortal Kombat look like a Zhang Yimou (Hero, House of Flying Daggers) masterpiece.
Usually when renting a new Blu-ray film online from the likes of LoveFilm I have to wait weeks or months as I join a queue of like-minded film fans. This arrived the day after I asked. I was on my own.
This film makes you realise just how good the first movie was, as it was as silly as the games, packed with references and fun attempts at replicating the flashy moves. However, this one acts as a half-assed back-story of little miss Spinning Bird Kick, we join the ill-looking and hopeless Kristin Kreuk through some terrible fight scenes with the only real pain getting served coming from the lines being banded around. It’s just so baffling, Bison is a half Irish guy in a smart suit, Vega is a grunting headcase and the only reference to SF is a tournament invite at the end, just shoved in, in an attempt to justify the title. Just go and watch the first film if you really must, hell it’s on the Viva channel once a week.Check out the top three here as Brendan gets his rage on....
Dealspwn Rating: 2/10
Developer: Team Ninja
Publisher: Tecmo Koei
Castigated from the start, and helped no end by that ESRB press release which alluded to the game’s sense of ‘creepy voyeurism’, Dead or Alive: Paradise received so much bad press long before its release that it seemed doomed to fail. It was, therefore, with the open mind and generous spirit instilled into me by a wonderful Easter weekend that I wiped my mind clear of all preconceptions and decided to see what life would be like as an extraordinarily endowed woman blessed with a fortnight-long holiday on a lush and verdant tropical island with a bunch of my bi-curious gal pals.
I have never written that sentence before in my life.
So I set off to New Zack Island as the famous Kasumi, wrapped warm in a coat of microscopic lingerie and mammary physics that would make Newton cry, ready to make some new friends, explore a lush environment of tropical wonder, and relax for a bit. I was pretty sure I was in for a fun time that had to be better than Butlins, right?
After witness an opening montage of perfectly rendered bouncing curves, women taking their clothes off and copious amounts of suggestive pudding sharing that unfolded in a CGI sequence that must have taken up some serious space, I was struck by a very important thing: this game is pretty hideous.
The graphics are not exactly brilliant. The beaches in the game all look identical, just with a random palm tree generator, the women themselves look like they could be melted down and made into Tupperware or computer chips, and the soundtrack quickly becomes irritatingly repetitive.
April 2010 Game Releases
Spring is here and we're into April already! After three frankly excellent months for the industry, chock-full of blockbuster titles and critical acclaim, a lot of motion control happy-slapping and plenty of media frenzy, it would appear that we're due a fairly low-key rainy month, which might actually allow me to catch up on my enormous backlog!
The first week has only two real releases of note this Friday, with SingStar rival Lips making its third spin-off, this time with Lips: I Love the 80s and the infamous Dead or Alive: Paradise finally makes a splash.
NB. Game developers are notoriously flighty so be aware some of these dates may well change.
How to use: Click on the title of the video game if you would like to see the cross platform possibilities. Click on the game cover of the platform of your choice to see the price comparison for that particular game, showing you the cheapest prices from UK online retailers.
Stay tuned, folks, as we'll be updating you with all of the new releases for next week along with their cheapest prices in just a few days time.
1st to 7th April 2010:
|Dead or Alive: Paradise
2nd April 2010
|Lips: I Love The 80s
2nd April 2010
Dead or Alive has pretty much been forever ruined for me by that godawful film version starring Holly Valance, it's not even laughably crap like the JCVD Street Fighter film, it's just plain bad. To be honest, I was always more in favour of Capcom and Namco's efforts (and Midway, back when Mortal Kombat was awesome), beach volleyball games didn't help. But in Dead or Alive 4 I was surprised to find a game with depth, polish, and more addictive qualities than a bumper pack of Skittles.
With most merchants currently stockless, you can now pick up a copy for under a fiver thanks to The Hut (£4.93), saving you about a quid or so on Zavvi at £5.95, after which the price for new copies suddenly balloons upwards. There's something magical about decimals of £5, and something fantastically pedantic about waiting for an item to drop below a certain price point, but anyway. As per usual, hit the link for more.
When DOA4 released, it sold 1.1 million copies on the first day, more than any other fighting game before it, and it's not actually that hard to see why once you get into it. There are 22 playable characters and a multitude of multi-tiered, destructible, and interactive arenas for you to fight in. The move lists for returning characters have been updated and broadened out. The counter system is no longer absurdly easy to pull off, and it has been balanced out, making for a much more tactical fighter.
The training mode has been tightened up, there's a viewing mode allowing players to explore their action photography skills and upload stuff to Live, Story mode, Time Attack, Team Battle, Survival, and Versus, both online and off. there's content galore here, and a whole bunch of cinematic end movies to unlock and laugh at. The online lobby is brilliant, and you can pimp it out with unlockables the more fights you win and the higher your ranking.
In short, DOA4 is a huge success, refining the gaming mechanics of the series, polishing up the prrsentation, and showering the gamer with content. Not bad for a fiver, eh?
Thanks to Googer80 at HUKD