A few game characters’ brothers and sisters are out there looking for love…
It can be hard to find a date when you’re the twin of a gaming icon. Nights spent all alone watching endless Friends re-runs or lying catatonic listening to William Shatner sing Common People on repeat; with dinner medallions from the microwave lasagne staining your crusty vest and sweatpants, and a half bottle of budget vodka for company – these things don’t help the love-life one little bit.
We thought we’d lend a helping hand to some of the medium’s forgotten siblings in their quest to find a soulmate by printing a few of their calling cards. It’s time for these brothers and sisters to step out of their shadowy cocoons and blossom into the love bugs they were destined to be.
1. Larry Croft
Larry’s a tall and athletic fella with a penchant for digging, spelunking and hunting, much like his sister Lara. He’s a perfect gentleman too, coming from good aristocratic stock, although you’d best steer clear of enquiring about the parents.
A huge fan of all things old and curious, our Larry’s looking for a more mature woman, someone with a story or two to tell, preferably with strange and dubious links to mythological sects and texts. He’s also a fan of old-school smoking jackets, luxury liners and racy point-and-click adventure games. But no photographers: they always Photoshop ridiculously-proportioned organs onto the poor lad. And who can live with that kind of pressure?
2. Bruce-Li
Brucie is something of a legend in that he’s registered in the Guinness Book of Records as having the fastest legs in the world. More likely to be seen colourfully cavorting in drag in a Soho club than your local dingy bar, Bruce is all about having a good time and he’s well known for it, always stealing his sister Chun’s clothes. Male or female, fat or thin, it doesn’t really matter and he doesn’t care as long as they’re up for a laugh.
Bruce can be quite exciteable and tends to jump up and down and giggle a lot whenever he wins anything – from an argument over shoes to a brawl in the street; but you’d never want to mess with him. He can decapitate an elephant with his thighs. He enjoys chop-socky movies, blue dresses and fighting electric, ginger, fuzzy Brazilians. No…..not in that way.
3. Ugly Freeman
Betty is a bit of a wallflower who works really hard at the moment to balance two lives. By day she works as a PA for the editor-in-chief of a global fashion magazine and by night she does motion capture for her brother Gordon’s new autobiographical movie. Most recently she played a rock.
Like her brother, though, she’s a bit of a quiet one and remains fairly silent even when spoken to which can sometimes make conversation a little tricky. In the bedroom, however, she not adverse to a little experimentation – handcuffs, oils, a crowbar – but don’t expect oral satisfaction unless you shower several times beforehand. She’s paranoid about headcrabs you see.
4. Duchess Nukem
Duchess Nukem, much like her brother the Duke, is a simple soul at heart, really. There are three things that she likes – guns, gaffs and guys. An entrepreneur of sorts, she runs an all-male escort agency, owns several Boy Booty strip clubs across America, and has starred in several sexploitation movies as herself.
A fearless champion of women’s rights, she is also a sex symbol and role model for curvy women everywhere. Oh yeah, and she kills aliens too. But this towering ego hides a sensitive soul. Sure, being surrounded by men clothed only in a napkin or two and half a bottle of baby oil all day long can be fun, but there’s no heart in it. She’s in the market for a guy with a heart, but a heart that also enjoys a spot of jetpacking, motorbikes and Bruce Campbell movies.
5. Samantha Fisher
Samantha Fisher (Sam to her friends….and even then it can be touch and go) doesn’t suffer fools. Gorgeous she may be, but if you’re the type of guy who thinks Krav Maga is a species of underwater crustacean then leave, now. She’s the consummate professional and fearless in life and in love.
A keen traveller, Samantha’s fluent in many languages, including Korean and Arabic. She’s on the look out for a friend above all else; a wingman if you will. Someone who will always have her back. Someone who likes tight fitting spandex and wears glasses (she has a thing for guys in goggles). You might have to watch out for overprotective big brother Sam lurking in dark corners, though. He’s a bit of a stealthy voyeur, that one.
NB. Be aware that any and all dating applicants for Miss Fisher may have to undergo an extensive vetting process possibly involving probes and/or torture. The CIA and NSA take no responsibility for any injuries sustained during the dating process.
Know any other game characters with a lovelorn twin? Fill up the comments section below with your recommendations.
