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Silver Screen Sins: Top 5 Worst Movies Based on Video Games

Brendan Griffiths
Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Dead or Alive, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li, Super Mario Brothers movie, Uwe Boll

Silver Screen Sins: Top 5 Worst Movies Based on Video Games

Neil wrote a little piece on the curse of the movie tie-in back in February, examining how such games tended to be pretty rubbish. But we figured that it worked both ways too and so, with Prince of Persia growing ever closer, we tasked Brendan with drumming up a list of five of the very worst video game inspired movies, sending him off into a dark room with a television, a gruel tap and the entirety of Uwe Boll's back catalogue for company. After spending several days wading through this cinematic crapfest, Brendan finally emerged with the list below muttering that if he didn't watch something glorious by Pixar right away his brains would start oozing out of his tear ducts. -Matt

As a warning, none of these films fall into the category of ‘so bad it’s pretty good.’ No these little horrors have a shit-core of bitterness and misery, displaying a point blank refusal to make sense or attempt a vague relevance to their games. If you watch these films I hope they make you as miserable as they did me. Don’t watch them all in one week though.

5: Dead or Alive (2006)

You know you’re in trouble when the lead of your film is Holly Valance. The acting and fighting from the actresses failed the fill the boots or even the bra sizes of the game’s characters. There was some story about androids and somebody had roller-skates. I’m not sure, my brain started to ooze out of my ears around the 45 minute mark. Overall the whole thing was so bad, it made Mortal Kombat look like a Zhang Yimou (Hero, House of Flying Daggers) masterpiece.

4: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

Usually when renting a new Blu-ray film online from the likes of LoveFilm I have to wait weeks or months as I join a queue of like-minded film fans. This arrived the day after I asked. I was on my own.

This film makes you realise just how good the first movie was, as it was as silly as the games, packed with references and fun attempts at replicating the flashy moves. However, this one acts as a half-assed back-story of little miss Spinning Bird Kick, we join the ill-looking and hopeless Kristin Kreuk through some terrible fight scenes with the only real pain getting served coming from the lines being banded around. It’s just so baffling, Bison is a half Irish guy in a smart suit, Vega is a grunting headcase and the only reference to SF is a tournament invite at the end, just shoved in, in an attempt to justify the title. Just go and watch the first film if you really must, hell it’s on the Viva channel once a week.

3: Super Mario Bros (1993)

This first official movie based on a game started the long line of cinematic nightmares. New York (what?) plumbers Mario & Luigi are sucked into another dimension’s version of the city. Imagine Bladerunner with no budget. There’s almost nothing here that has anything to do with the games apart from Mario’s moustache on Bob Hoskins. In fairness a live action film of Mario was always going to suck it. A perfect example of the crap-factor would be Dennis Hopper as Bowser/King Koopa, instead of the horn-shelled dinosaur he’s just a human with some hair gel ridges. You’ll despise this from the music on the DVD menu, right up to the Reebok sponsored Bob-Omb at the end.

2: Alone in the Dark (2005)

The Dark indeed. A film so poorly lit I’m still not entirely sure what the hell the black creatures were. Like your awful CGI? No, of course you don’t who does? The darkness can’t hide the blushes of Christian Slater and Tara Reid, one look at their filmography after this film is scarier than anything on-screen. Amazingly it got a sequel, thankfully uber-twat Uwe Boll wasn’t at the helm. It’s stuffed with continuity errors like the monsters attacking in daylight (which is deadly to them) and little gems like dead characters starting to move around or get up while still in shot. Don’t even watch out of curiosity.

1: Bloodrayne (2005)

The game had a sexy vampire chic slashing Nazis to bits in World War II. Not a great game but a good chance for some B-movie thrills right? Not in Uwe Boll’s f*cked-up mindscape, instead he gives it a medieval setting and magically ropes in some A-grade level C-listers, namely Kristanna Loken (Terminator 3) as Rayne, Michelle Rodriguez and a hungover Michael Madsen. Listening to Madsen and Rodriguez monosyllabically plough through their medieval type script will make you question all that is good in this world. Where the f*ck are the Nazis, Mr. German director? You can’t ignore them forever! Actually he can, as his sequel was set in the Wild West and was even worse. I’m giving the first film the nod in the list as it surely ruined more careers. By the time Loken gets her knockers out for the flaccid love-scene any sense of enthusiasm will be plastered all over the wall behind you along with your brains.

If, 50 years from now, Uwe Boll becomes a cult figure like Ed Wood and a beautiful bio-pic is made about him, the below picture will be a rough indication of my actions outside my local cinema.

Silver Screen Sins: Top 5 Worst Movies Based on Video Games

So there you have. I almost made it through without threatening to set myself on fire but you can’t have everything. There probably should be more Uwe Boll films in there but others need to be declared and I’ll admit it, I just can’t watch any more of his sh*t. On the plus side Hideo Kojima has already said that Boll will never be involved with a Metal Gear movie, despite Boll always saying he’s got the green light.

“Absolutely not! I don’t know why Uwe Boll is even talking about this kind of thing. We've never talked to him. It’s impossible that we’d ever do a movie with him.” (Hideo Kojima)

Boll’s also been told to bugger off by Activision-Blizzard for approaching them about a Warcraft movie. Assume Boll’s other masterpieces are just as gash.

There are other more box-office disasters out there and more yet to come. Feel free to share your own distressed experiences of our beloved game licenses in the comments section. If anyone wants to rant about Jake ‘monobrow’ Gyllenhaal as the Prince of Persia that would be swell too.

Add a comment5 comments
ODB  Apr. 28, 2010 at 14:07

no way Super Mario film was quality....so bad it was good

Matt Gardner  Apr. 28, 2010 at 14:24

DOA is the only film on this list that really encapsulates the video game upon which it's based...although frankly that says more about the series of games than it does about the movie. The movie was essentially all about hot girls beating the crap out of one another in substandard fashion and occasionally playing volleyball...which is exactly the same as the video games.

Also I'm very glad Mortal Kombat only got a fleeting mention on this particular list. Mortal Kombat rocks my world.

ODB  Apr. 28, 2010 at 15:03

Holly Valance = Face like blue tit

seriously dont understand why people think she is attractive! cant remember who else was in it, never seen it but looks SHOCKINGLY bad

(it was her in it wasnt it or was that another film? :S )

kully  Apr. 28, 2010 at 15:04

So it's ok to slap in a photo of a bloke on fire? In a fluff article about bad films based on video games?


Jonathan Lester  Apr. 28, 2010 at 16:46

Alone in the Dark is one of the worst films I've ever seen- in fact, it's almost possible to sue for false advertising. Most of the film took place in well lit environments with groups of at least two people present at all times!

I still rate Chun Li, if only for the line "This wasn't the path my father wanted for me... but maybe it was." Classic.

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