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Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

Author:
Matt Gardner
Category:
Features
Tags:
Features, Katamari, Mortal Kombat, Royal Wedding, Royalty, Top Ten, Wempella, Zelda

It's royal wedding day. As Catherine Middleton ties the knot with Prince Willy and becomes a member of the Royal Family, we take a look at some of gaming's nobility and make a list of ten of the best examples.

And no, Peach is not the list, for pandering to unhelpful stereotypes.

10. Bowser

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

Bowser's pretty much everything you'd expect from a king. He's a giant amongst his people, he can breathe fire, drives an awesome car that looks badass, his tennis serve will knock your head off and he has a penchant for kidnapping beautiful princesses. In spite of no wife to be seen, he's managed to father a whole bunch of kids, which we can only assume is due to his omnipotent charisma. And Peach's Stockholm Syndrome.

Of course, he does get beaten up quite a bit...

9. Hilde (Soul Calibur IV)

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

Sod your stereotypes, here comes Hilde. Eschewing the wonderbra for a Joan of Arc outfit, the knight princess is one royal you wouldn't want to mess. A dab hand with a spear and a sword, she's no wilting flower or simpering damsel. Not only does she kick Nightmare's butt, but she then nobly spares Siegfried's life and knights him, having led the Kingdom of Wolfkrone to victory as her dad slowly went insane.

8. King (Tekken)

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

Alright, no he's not an actual king, but by god does he have  the nobility of...well...nobility! Initially a street-fighting urchin, saved from death by Marquez Priest, the man who would be King turns to Catholicism and engages in the Iron Fist tournaments to earn money to save his orphanage. He kind of botches it, becomes an alcoholic, then reforms, but loses anyway and dies after Tekken 2, but his legacy is such that another steps in to take his mantle and continue his work - albeit with lots of narrative intrigue and backstabbing and mentors turning into nemeses and back again along the way.

7. The Princesses of Titania (Fat Princess)

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

Quite frankly it's nice to see a princess who doesn't give a monkey's left nut about body image and is perfectly happy simply enjoying the finer things in life. Just because you're always in the public eye doesn't mean you can't enjoy a bit of pudding every once in awhile. Of course, should Kate get kidnapped (God forbid), we strongly doubt that force feeding her cake will help deter rescue attempts.

6. The Prince of Persia

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

There are three princes in the series, but we're going to go with the Sands of Time incarnation, as he's clearly the coolest. What with basically looking a lot like Aladdin (a Robin Williams-voiced genie would have made it), being a dashing, daring and acrobatic hero, the Prince is also capable of rewinding time which would no doubt be damn useful if one made a diplomatic snafu of any kind, let alone fell into a pit of sharp spikes.

5. Princess Zelda

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

Zelda's got it all really. She's wise, decisive, not afraid to get her hands dirty, she cares deeply for her subjects and pull off nondescript disguise and lavish ceremony with equal affinity. she has a sense of decorum that appeals to us Brits - you'd never see Zelda trotting off repeatedly with a giant monster just to get some attention from a portly blue collar worker! - and she can clearly see beyond disability too, with Link's inability to speak no hindrance at all to their burgeoning relationship. Plus, what with being Sheik as well, she's the only ninja-princess on the list...and we think that's pretty cool.

4. King Dedede

I have three words for you: Big. Gay. Dance.

3. Princesses Kitana and Mileena (Mortal Kombat)

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

When 10,000 years you reach, look as good you'll not! Kitana has a bit of a rough life, really. First off, Shao Kahn invades her mum's kingdom, forcing Sindel to marry him. Then he clones Kitana when Sindel dies to create her evil twin Mileena. Then Quan Chi kills her. Then she gets brought back by the Dragon King Onaga only to be forced into slavery. Then her resurrected mum kills her again and...

...you get the idea. Not the happiest life for a princess, but she just keeps on trucking.

2. Infinity Ward's Missing Royalties

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

It's gone quiet on the Wempella front recently, but it was one of last year's biggest stories. Where did all of those royalties for Modern Warfare 2 end up. Maybe they were nicked by a giant, fire-breathing turtle-dragon hybrid. Maybe...

...but probably not.

1. The King of All Cosmos (Katamari Damacy)

Royal Wedding Special Top Ten: Video Game Royalty

There's no doubt about it, it's got to the The King of All Cosmos at number one. For starters, no one but royalty could pull off a rolled up kaleidoscopic carpet as a collared fashion accessory. Actually...that might be part of his head...

Most royals are nonchalant about the world around them, brought up in their palaces of gold and silver...but the King is so nonchalant that he ends up getting drunk, or playing tennis, and destroys all of the stars in the universe. To combat this he tasks his son (who resembles a lime Tic-Tac) to roll up lots of stuff on Earth into a big sticky ball to make new stars. However, the King then does a cannonball into the ocean and wipes out all of the islands on the planet, so the Prince has more work to do. This shouldn't (and doesn't) make any sense at all...but that's the true symbol of royalty. Whatever they say goes. So it's fine.

He even has a a Twitter account.

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