Roses are rubbish. Choccies are cliché. This is the 21st century, people, and the world of gaming has provided us with infinitely more meaningful presents to proffer to our significant others on this Hallmark holiday.
That being said, the course of true love never did run smooth... and it's very easy to get things apocalyptically wrong. Therefore, as Dealspwn's resident doctor of lurve (my diploma is in the post, shut up), it's my duty to sum up the very best and worst gaming gifts out there. There's no need to thank me. It's my job. It's what I do. Just knowing that I've brought a little more love into the world is reward enough.
Gifts That Work 60% Of The Time, Every Time
5: Frozen Synapse
A hardcore strategy game might seem like a bizarre choice for a romantic present, but you'd be dead wrong. Each purchase gives you two codes, so in between breathlessly fragging each other (read that again, you sick puppy), you can stay connected and swap sweet nothings in an exclusive social network.
What's more, you can always pretend that you let your partner win for extra brownie points... even though they kicked your arse fair and square.
4: LittleBigPlanet 2
Media Molecule's wonderful Play Create Share experience is an instant classic, and one that's best shared with someone you love. You can cooperate in the campaign, decorate each other to your heart's content and then collaborate on feathering your own fantasy love nests. Plus, Sackboy is cute enough to melt even the coldest of hearts.
3: LEGO Harry Potter
This one comes with the Jonathan Lester Seal Of Approval. My girlfriend and I have whiled away a fair few evenings enjoying Traveller's Tales' lighthearted puzzly romp - with effortlessly accessible mechanics allowing anyone to get involved and enjoy the films from a new perspective.
And if things go well, you can effortlessly segue into some nasty roleplaying where one of you pretends to be a LEGO man, complete with claw hands, while the other one dons the wizard's cloak and unsheathes their wand [shut up shut up shut up - Ed].
2: Rez Trance Vibrator
Back in the day, Rez shipped with an optional plastic vibrating peripheral that allowed gamers to experience the rhythm of the music in a primal, sensual way. And, erm, do other stuff. To themselves. And their friends. It's a fairly rare antique, but you'll look dead flash if you can find one and the object of your affection appreciates the synaesthesia movement.
It does come with a washable sleeve. Which is nice.
Nothing says "I love you" better than a shared cooperative experience: something you can both enjoy while helping each other out, sharing gear and items as well as uniting you in the face of an uncaring world. Which, let's face it, leaves us with only one clear option: Borderlands. So long as your other half is au fait with FPS controls, Gearbox' epic loot grinder will bring you together in ways you never thought possible, turning you into a caring, sharing killteam powered literally by love. And guns. But mainly love.
5: Army Of Two
People want to feel special on Valentines Day... but while Army Of Two has bromance to spare, there's the very real danger of the object of your affections bonding with Salem and Rios instead of your good self. And in the worst case scenario, it's possible that your loved one could turn into a hooting, fist-bumping frat rat.
Actually, that could work. Maybe put this one on the standby list.
4: Skyrim Or Football Manager
No. This is a bad idea. You will lose them forever.
And that's the best case scenario. More likely, you'll test out the game (you know, just to make sure the disc isn't scratched, honest) and become a slave to addiction. Either way, just say no.
3: An Inflatakart
This might seem like a good idea at first. After all, being able to enjoy Mario Kart in an inflatable seat is bags of fun, not to mention a wipe-clean canvas for fun and frolics if your evening goes to plan. But since it's designed for 7-12 year olds, you'll end up looking like a bit of a tit rather than Jensen Button.
2: Rez Trance Vibrator
There's a good chance that your partner - be they male or female - might not need you once they unwrap their new plastic pal.
Cling-film for best results.
1: Truth Or Lies
Nothing says "I love you" worse than a lie detector. Actually, scratch that. Nothing says "I love you" worse than a lie detector that doesn't work - and showers you in patronising drivel and painful dialogue at every turn. Buying your partner Truth Or Lies might seem like a nice cheap option, but looking like a paranoid cheapskate is probably not going to serve you particularly well on this romantic day.