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Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

Matt Gardner
Amnesia, Goldeneye, Heavy Weapon: Atomic Tank, Mario Kart, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesdays, Worst Videgame Weapons

This week we take a look at some of the worst weapons to have been inflicted upon gaming. Most of those in this list have proven themselves to be loathed through sheer uselessness, but there are one or two of the items below that have made the grade through sheer profane merit. Leg us know if we've missed any!

Honourable mentions: Everything You Pick Up - Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Leaf Shield - Mega Man 2, Wooden Sword - Ninja Gaiden, Bubble Gun - Earthworm Jim 2, Most Things In Dead Rising - Dead Rising.

10. Red Ryder BB Gun - Fallout

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

One supposes that, being set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, where presumably most creatures have succumbed to death, it might actually be fair to assume that the only things out there in the wilderness that might hurt you are rusty tin cans. What better weapon, then, for the wastes than your trusty childhood BB gun.

Except, oh wait, there are flesh eating rabid ghouls and enormous mutant killers out there. A nice homage to a period toy, but utterly useless in the fray.

9. Raphael's Sais - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

In the land of side-scrolling beat 'em ups, the man with the extended reach is king. Leonardo, Donatello and Michaelangelo all had weapons that came served with a side salad of considerable reach, but poor Raphael shuffled into battle with nothing but a pair of forks. What this meant practically is that anyone playing as the red-bandana'd turtle had to get up close and personal with foes, inevitably dying rapidly to the sounds of laughter from their fellows.

8. Lightning - Heavy Weapon: Atomic Tank

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

In a game that delivers triple rounds of dumb rockets and homing missiles, and allows you to take down waves of Communist aircraft with an unsettingly phallic gigantic laser beam, storm clouds of flak and massive nuclear bombs, it's disheartening every time the lightning powerup appears. Not only is it fundamentally incapable of actually taking down anything on its own, its tactical powers are debatable, with the chaining effect serving only to further confuse the onscreen action when the shit hits the fan.

It's acquirement is followed often by groans of misery, and more often by reams of profanity.

7. Flamethrower - Dead Space

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

Although admittedly somewhat handy for dealing with the little spidery critters, in a game that's all about dismemberment, the flamethrower is a pretty useless piece of kit. You see Necromorphs don't really mind being on fire, they'll still bite your face off. Moreover, it takes up so much space in your inventory, and uses up its fuel so very quickly, that in a survival horror game it makes for one of the most impractical armaments around.

6. The Pistol - Halo 2

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

Yes, it was absurdly overpowered in Halo: Combat Evolved, but that was kind of the point. Who said pistols can't be badass, said Bungie. And we loved them for it. Running through swathes of Covenant, armed with nothing but your trusty epic peashooter, taking on all comers before using the telescopic sights to pick off evildoers from afar with one-shot executions - it was glorious.

Its replacement was not, nerfed into pointlessness in favour of 'game-balancing'. Because that's what Halo needed...to be more like everyone else.

5. Magikarp - Pokemon

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

"Magikarp used 'Splash'!"

'Nuff said.

4. Red Rust - Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

The first weapon you encounter in Symphony of the Night should be avoided at all costs. Not only does it actually have a negative damage rating, meaning that it deals less damage than your own bare fists, but it's also so heavy that Alucard takes forever trying to swing the damn thing, at which point (being a cursed weapon) there's every chance that he might just lock up and refuse to attack.

Yes, there's also a chance that he might the enemy, but that's only if he hasn't been beaten to a pulp trying to shoulder the damn thing,

3. The Blue Shell - Mario Kart

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

You'll note that the title says 'Worst' not 'Most Useless', and for this reason it's safe to put this one in here. The Blue Shell is an abomination. Even green shells and bananas have their good points, offering as they do a sturdy defence against pesky attacks from behind.

Except for this. It's the ultimate equaliser, an unstoppable force of winged justice that can ruin everything and is more than capable of turning an entire race on its head merely seconds from the line. It negates skill, rewards those who suck and can cause massive damage to television screens. It's the cheapest weapon out of any game's arsenal and anyone who's been inches away from victory after the perfect race will understand completely the red mist that comes down after being hit by one of these. I hate it.

Though opinions are divided on the matter.

2. Giant's Knife - The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

You'll have progressed through the early parts of the game, stepped into the Temple of Time, busted through Shadow Ganon and, feeling like a big boy, you'll be wanting a big boy's sword. Size matters, Nintendo know that. Unfortunately, after being ripped off by a supersized Goron bastard, you'll soon realise that the enormous blade that ripped a hole in your wallet is absolutely useless and less durable than budget loo roll.

He doesn't even let you know that his brother at the top of the mountain can give you an indestructible version just by doing a few fetch quests. What a dick.

1. Klobb - GoldenEye 64

Top Ten Tuesdays | Worst Videogame Weapons

It looks like it should be, well not awesome exactly, but at the very least capable. Instead, GoldenEye's Klobb is the ultimate nadir for videogame weaponry. It's got a good fire rate, but is completely ineffectual, with the accuracy of a blind man having a fit and the damage potential of a lettuce leaf.

Named after rare alumnus Ken Lobb, we can't help but wonder what on earth he did to warrant such miserable reward short of getting hammered at the office party and sleeping with everyone's wives but his own.

Add a comment 1 comment
Quietus  Jan. 31, 2012 at 15:30

Red Rust is actually the second weapon you get in SotN. Only just, mind...:p


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